


Little Do You Know

by idlewriter



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slice of Life, They just want to be in love, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-27 23:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16712449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idlewriter/pseuds/idlewriter
Summary: Chan knows too well that he cannot mend Felix's heart without breaking it at the same time.Knows too well because he feels the same way.ᶦ'ᵐ ˢᵒʳʳʸ





	Little Do You Know

A sob is threatening to spill from his lips, but he is trying hard to suppress it as he moves across the living room with hurried steps. His breathing is ragged, and his bare feet clap against the wooden floors as they take him towards a bedroom he finds himself staying in more than his own, especially at night.

His heart clenches painfully inside his chest and forces a small whimper to slip from his lips, a fit of hiccups and a new set of tears following suit. He wants to scream, wants to cry out, but there is no place for him to do so, and so he forces back the sobs for a little while longer.

He comes to a stop when he reaches the door and focuses his eyes in on the doorknob, pausing. There is a moment he forgets what it is he is about to do, a moment his head just lets him be for a little while. But then he hears his voice humming on a tune from within the room, and everything comes flooding back. 

He hates it, hates himself. He knows that it is wrong, knows that he shouldn’t be doing this, but he reaches out hurriedly to knock on the door anyways, feeling his heart drop to the pit of his stomach when the humming stops. There is a thud, hurried footsteps, then another thud before the door opens and reveals a mop of dark, curly locks, and equally dark eyes that quickly turns from curious to worried ones as they land upon the boy shaking with hiccups.

“Chan-,” he whimpers out between quick, heavy breaths, but stops abruptly when he is pulled inside the room and into a tight hug. “Oh Felix,” Chan answers with his arms wrapped protectively around Felix’s smaller form. He doesn’t say more, doesn’t have the time to do so before Felix breaks down in his embrace once again.

 

Felix cries and cries into the crook of Chan’s neck until he eventually runs out of tears, his sobs ceasing, his body spent. Tiredly, he looks up at Chan, but he does not speak a single word. He just lets his eyes wander, sadness and frustration marring his features. “I love you,” he wants to say, tries to say, but opts to bite down on his tongue instead, too afraid.

Felix does not know, but Chan knows that he loves him a little more than he probably should. He has known for a while, but he doesn’t bring it up though, doesn’t dare, neither does he have the heart to do so. Instead he breaks his heart every morning and then again at night, knowing too well that the closure Felix is getting is nowhere near enough. Knowing too well that he cannot mend his heart without breaking it at the same time. Knowing too well because he feels the same way.

He holds him close after they have settled under beige coloured sheets, and waits for him to fall asleep before he lets his own tears slip from his eyes. Oh, how he wishes he could just confess and stop both Felix and himself from hurting, but it isn’t that easy, and it will probably never be “that easy.” Maybe it would have worked if they still lived in Australia, but he only shakes his head. They aren’t there and therefore he can’t think that way, it brings him too much sorrow.

Seeing Felix hurt though, tears him apart, makes him carry around an ache he knows compares to the one Felix carries around, because Felix loves hard and with his entire soul, and it is heart breaking to only be able to stand on the sidelines and watch. It is hard because Chan knows, and Felix doesn’t.

Felix walks around pining and vulnerable, loving Chan but not daring to say it because he is so sure it is one-sided, so sure that the one person he _breathes_ for could never love him back, would hate him if he did. Chan walks around pining because he knows how Felix feels, and he knows his own feelings, yet he is hiding everything behind a façade he can feel crumble more and more for each day that passes.

He won’t let himself love him, doesn’t let himself love him, although he does; _more than anything else_. There are too many eyes watching, will from now on _always_ be too many eyes watching. Loving freely is dangerous, loving behind the scenes is dangerous. One slip-up and that is it, there is no explanation that will cut it, not here, never here.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Chan whispers apology after apology into strawberry blonde hair, trying hard to contain his own emotions when a surge of sorrow suddenly washes over him, soaking him from head to toe. The attempt is futile though, as the surge leaves him shaking and gasping after air. He does hastily reach up to cover his mouth, but it is too late. Felix awakes at the sound, eyebrows drawn together in confusion only to shoot up behind his blonde locks, worry running through his veins at the sight of Chan’s tears.

“Chan-,” he whimpers, but stops abruptly when he is pulled into a tight hug, “Oh Felix,” Chan answers with his arms wrapped protectively around Felix’s smaller form.

 

“I’m so sorry.”

**Author's Note:**

> hmu on twitter? [bangsrirachanᵎ](https://twitter.com/bangsrirachan)


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